Folks. . . .Scott Friedman . . . .one funny guy.  I highly recommend him and his work to you. - http://www.funnyscott.com/

 I have kleptomania;  but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• Who are these kids,  and why are they calling me Mom.
• Live each day as if it were your last...  and someday you'll be right.
• I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on disk somewhere.
• Drink Varnish,  and you'll have a lovely finish.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• There's no need to fear falling;  it's the sudden stop at the bottom that you should fear.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• The face is familiar, but I can't quite remember my name
•  I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those critical, self-righteous people around me.
•  Make yourself at home!  Clean my kitchen.
• I am in shape.  Round is a shape.
• I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom.  Sometimes age comes alone.
• If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
• Therapy is expensive, and popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all
• Be kind.  If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
• Get better, not bitter.  Pain is a blessing when you learn the lesson.
• Never argue with a crazy person.  Outsiders don't know who's who.
• Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips
• Call in 'Well.' "Sorry, I can't come to work, I just feel too good."
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• How do they get deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
• A fool and his money are soon audited.
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good!
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Time may be a great healer, but it’s sure one terrible beautician.
• Forgive you enemies . . . nothing annoys them more.
• Forget about World Peace . . . Visualize using your turn signal!!
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give something else.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Sex on television can’t hurt you . . . unless you fall off.
• Cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
• Because madness takes its toll, please have exact change.
• Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
• If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Never knock on Death's door.  Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• No man is an island, so slow down on the donuts.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents; it’s how he found out.
• When the chips are down, the Buffalo is empty.
• Clones are people two.
• Time is the best teacher’ unfortunately it kills all it’s students!
• Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
• It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research . . .